This letter gets a special title, yeah, because this would be different from the previous ones I've sent.
I need to tell you what I really think and how I feel not because I want you to feel guilty in any way. We had been way past that, don't you think? It's been years, too. I think it is just a matter of honesty that I haven't really achieved. I had my ways of sugar-coating words because I'd hate to hurt you, and right now I'll be viciously unkind and brutal. All because this is the last. And all because I never want to regret. Not about you anyway.
This may seem desperate, but I'm too exhausted even for desperation. I hadn't realized that until last night, and I couldn't even sleep.
You were right. You have been unfair, too unfair in fact and maybe even too selfish. You always wanted me by your side, didn't you? And now this happens, you find someone else and you still want us to be friends. How could you even ask me that? The question stabbed me straight to my chest I could be bleeding by now. Thankfully, it just feels like there is a recurring pang that never really subsides. By letting you see why we can't be friends I meant for you to let me go. It's been like you never wanted me to let go, and you always, always know I wouldn't, not until you tell me so anyway. Haven't I told you that more than once, twice, thrice?
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's just the bitterness talking. But at this point I just want to feel anything but grief because one doesn't really deserve this punishment at Christmas. Not even someone evil like me. So pardon my pointless, baseless outburst. Maybe I am really just lost and torn apart right now. I guess I've endured all this for too long. I've been talking to myself for too long. I've loved you for too long. I needed the closure, and now that it's here it seems like the last three days have drained all of me. I had known since Monday that something is going to happen. I've been meaning to speak to you that night, to somehow beat you to it, to save you the trouble. I've developed a sixth sense over anything that has to do with you in the last few years, you see. I'm pathetic, am I not? You must know because I hadn't been worth anything for a long time now.
Will you miss me after all this? I will miss you. But I really have to do this so that I can finally move on. This thing between us dragged on and on and on and on, and nothing is left of me, and I had been alone. I'm sorry, this is too sad for Christmas cheers. But I didn't want to miss out on anything. I wanted to exhaust myself to a point of eternal numbness, up to the last email I can write to you.
Even if it will sound like I am just convincing myself, I will be alright. So stop apologizing, and please don't worry about me anymore.
Again, I'd like to thank you for everything. You gave me a chance to give you all of me, my worst and my best. Thank you for letting me write to you, for making me think I am good at it, for inspiring me. Nobody had been able to drive me to my limits. Nobody else but you. So thank you very much. I can finally have my closure.
I had sworn to myself that I will call you by your name when I've chosen to let go. I did since yesterday. And I'll ask of you one more time: call me by my name. "Candy" isn't really an ugly name, is it? LOL
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's just the bitterness talking. But at this point I just want to feel anything but grief because one doesn't really deserve this punishment at Christmas. Not even someone evil like me. So pardon my pointless, baseless outburst. Maybe I am really just lost and torn apart right now. I guess I've endured all this for too long. I've been talking to myself for too long. I've loved you for too long. I needed the closure, and now that it's here it seems like the last three days have drained all of me. I had known since Monday that something is going to happen. I've been meaning to speak to you that night, to somehow beat you to it, to save you the trouble. I've developed a sixth sense over anything that has to do with you in the last few years, you see. I'm pathetic, am I not? You must know because I hadn't been worth anything for a long time now.
Will you miss me after all this? I will miss you. But I really have to do this so that I can finally move on. This thing between us dragged on and on and on and on, and nothing is left of me, and I had been alone. I'm sorry, this is too sad for Christmas cheers. But I didn't want to miss out on anything. I wanted to exhaust myself to a point of eternal numbness, up to the last email I can write to you.
Even if it will sound like I am just convincing myself, I will be alright. So stop apologizing, and please don't worry about me anymore.
Again, I'd like to thank you for everything. You gave me a chance to give you all of me, my worst and my best. Thank you for letting me write to you, for making me think I am good at it, for inspiring me. Nobody had been able to drive me to my limits. Nobody else but you. So thank you very much. I can finally have my closure.
I had sworn to myself that I will call you by your name when I've chosen to let go. I did since yesterday. And I'll ask of you one more time: call me by my name. "Candy" isn't really an ugly name, is it? LOL
I love you, Dan. Goodbye.
