We really owed it to the mutual vacant schedules we had two years ago. If it hadn’t been for it, he wouldn’t have asked if he could see me in thirty minutes, and I wouldn’t have been in the deserted university library, waiting patiently and sleepily.
Alone on a table in the far right side of the library, I absentmindedly tinkered with his early birthday present for me, wondering why he even bothered to give me something this expensive.
This is too much trouble for fondness, don’t you think?
I argued for my mind for a long while, insisting that it had been all because he hated how he couldn’t call me whenever he wanted to.
That’s lame. Your own mother even thinks there is something to it.
I was seriously not going to start on doubting but I was getting bemused again anyway.
You’re the only one who confuses yourself. Everything is as clear as a day. You love him, he says he loves you. Why can’t you stick to that?
Because I could be asking for more that should tell me that everything was real.
My unfocused gaze fell on the tall ledge opposite my table. I contemplated on reaching for that colorful Psychology book in the top shelf.
I painstakingly reached out for that certain volume. I realized later that I was still thinking too much of things despite the book in my hands.
Aren’t things tangible enough? Don’t you trust him enough now?
Maybe I wanted more than words. Or maybe I wanted to understand him more, and why he said these things when I couldn’t quite see their meaning.
Or you just so refuse to see.
It was previously thirteen minutes after four when I last looked up to the clock, and I was still lost.
I noisily flipped to the page where bright pictures could be found. But the odd figures on this page weren’t enough to distract me even for a few seconds.
There really is no time to think about such things. Isn’t he leaving tomorrow? Shouldn’t you be concerned of that?
I could feel a deep frown forming on my face.
Of course, I didn’t forget about that. I couldn’t even stop myself from feeling so pathetic again because no matter what I did it still seemed everything I’ve been doing for him while he was here would never be enough to call affection.
The tall library building quivered after that deafening rumbling of the thunder. But despite of it the rain had stopped, though it had left everything doused in less than five minutes.
He was scheduled to leave town again in approximately fifteen hours, and in this span of time I wondered what I should do to relieve myself from the anxiety of parting again.
I must still be the oversensitive me from seven months ago. Crying would probably still be part of the program in our last meeting this afternoon, and saying goodbye would be as hard as the last.
A heavy feeling remained in the pit of my stomach, finding myself cringing again and again.
I felt the afterglow of the late afternoon sun and the cool zephyr on my skin at the same time when I stood outside the main gates of the university just before I saw his car making that turn.
That proverbial sensation of nostalgia engulfed my mood yet again, and that frown on my face turned almost to tears.
He said something about shopping for last-minute provisions in this mall a few miles from the university, and something about having only two hours or less to be with me.
Misery must be written all over my face when I heard of his last statement that I turned the other way and pretended to be riveted with the traffic on the other side of the intersection.
The roads were nevertheless active in weekends.
He was still holding my hand even when the traffic light was already green.
I was determined to forget about the desolation even for these last two hours and concentrate on just being with him and the feel of his incredibly warm hand in mine.
Completely misunderstanding, he suspected me of being nervous again when I refused to speak even after he had parked the car in this farthest corner of the mall’s almost barren parking lot.
“Of course not!” I vehemently disagreed, realizing I have laid a hand on my chest to where my heart was supposed to be.
I couldn’t forget how amused he was of my outburst. I intensely scowled in his way.
He sought for my heartbeat but decided after a few tries that he could not find it.
“That’s just plain ridiculous. Why should I be nervous anyway?”
There went my poor attempt to casualness, and the flashback of scenes from last night.
You got your obsessed self back. Congratulations.
I was so not going to start on that when I was supposed to be drowning in my despair over his impending leave.
But we knew why we were still in this drying parking lot when we could have already abandoned this stuffy and suggesting-of-claustrophobia car of his.
There must be something appealing with his hand that you’re making interesting circles on it right now.
This was yet another effort to momentary distraction.
He patiently watched me make incoherent patterns on his palm for a while, the expression on his face reflecting of interest rather than boredom.
“I like it when you do that,” he finally pressed in the middle of my ministration, making me stop to gaze up to his warm eyes.
“Oh?” I croaked the question, sounding rather skeptical of this confession.
The soft radiance of the sun that seeped to his window made his form look warmer as well.
He had that familiar kind smile on his face when he made a nod.
A boost to your ego there.
His face was close to my own again, and before he could make any move my hand was resting itself on his face.
Maybe it was the nervousness again, or the unnecessary awkwardness despite the events of yesterday, that had me starting on poking his cheek.
“Why are you doing this?” He asked curiously though not stopping me, his dark oriental eyes gleaming in amused gaiety.
I found myself staring at that tiny mole below his lips and fighting the urge to trace it. It had almost been invisible.
“Is it because you’re really nervous, Ken-chan?”
I must’ve hummed my answer, I wasn’t sure anymore, but it had anyway sounded like a denial.
It was his turn to begin tracing my bare forearm, but I was shivering at his touch.
“Don’t torture me with that. I’m ticklish,” I managed to say, voice anyway small again as I was already wincing.
“Really?”
There was disbelief and amusement lacing his deep voice.
He went on making an invisible outline on my skin despite the gooseflesh and my low hiss.
I should glare at him for forgetting that one bit of information but before I could he had already stirred closer to my face.
“And how does this make you feel?”
His steady breath fanned my ear for a moment before that teasing brush of what could be his tongue on my sensitive earlobe educed a violent tremor in me.
Whoah. Where did the playful touch go now?
I couldn’t tell if it pleased me immensely or terrified me senseless. After a second, I settled for confusion as I brought my hand to my ears and threw him an accusing look.
“That was weird. Really!”
Me and my limited terminology. I cursed myself for this embarrassing response.
He laughed at my childish reaction again.
Your self esteem count must be below negative one-hundred now.
“Oh?” He said, grinning mischievously and leaning closer.
“You’re mean,” I told him, glaring deeply to no avail.
He suddenly turned predatory as his face grew closer again.
“Hmm?”
Closer.
“Yes, you’re mean.” My face grew warmer.
And closer.
I got to poke his face before he removed my hand and closed that already minute gap between us.
Is he bent on teasing you today, or what?
He was doing occasional brushes on the mouth, lingering kisses that were so slight they were almost never there.
A delicious shiver ran up my spine.
I successfully resisted the impulse to moan.
You’re too immature to even make a sound.
Oh, this traitorous mind of mine, when would you ever cease mocking me?
It took a while before he decided to stop teasing and resolve to a full kiss.
I was lost again and again in this sensation that must have burned my soul immensely.
“Wonderfully Weird” is an understatement. Make that “Wonderfully Wow”. Damn, you’re hooked to this, seriously.
“You’re obsessed,” he sighed the words, momentarily breaking the kiss and in turn making me breathe again.
I leaned my forehead close to his mouth, staring down as I found the grace to blush again.
“You are, too,” I bravely countered in a whisper.
If I concentrated enough, I could feel my hammering heartbeat in my ears.
I resolutely dropped my hand to my side so that I wouldn’t be tempted to reach for his heaving chest to feel if his heart was beating as crazily as mine.
Time slowed down when I breathed in his scent for the thousandth occasion.
He encouraged me to meet his lips for the second time as he cleverly guided my face to his.
All thought lost now? You will burn yourself in these flames.
The teasing went on and on as he was determined to make me beg for more.
“No,” I unpredictably murmured against his lips.
I had meant to say stop it but only got as far as a word of negation.
“No?” He sounded amusedly curious, and there was a smile in his low voice.
He planted another kiss on one side of my mouth when I closed my eyes again.
“No.”
There went that one word again—
“No?”
—and another kiss.
“No...”
Respiring was suddenly a chore now that I couldn’t even make out a lucid thought, or statement.
“Really?”
He made an abrupt pause just in time when I blinked and stared up to his curious oriental eyes that would undoubtedly crinkle in a moment or two.
Yes!
“...No.”
Argh. That was a stupid answer.
Oh, where did my logic go when I needed it the most?
“You’re funny, you know.”
I pouted, mortified terrifically that my whole face was flaming again.
Stupid, you mean.
He laughed out his amusement before he unexpectedly pulled me closer to him and kissed me again until I felt dizzy and breathless.
It hadn’t been rough but it was relatively close to demanding.
Oh, everything a kiss is supposed to be in your opinion then?
Didn’t everything start in a platonic ground? Where did that go? What happened?
Screw your pointless questions. Tell him how much you love him in this kiss! You have less than two hours to be with him.
I didn’t know how else to show him. But euphoria and anxious excitement were fueling my blood and were controlling my every movement by then. It must have been anyway awkward but I had gone on with it as hormones had dictated, and he hadn’t complained since everything had started.
I hadn’t noticed where his clever hands were groping until I felt them feeling my waist and rising dangerously close to my chest.
That is waaaaay beyond platonic now. Uh-huh.
I small sound escaped my throat as warning signals blared noisily in my mind.
“Don’t,” I hissed.
He seemed genuinely confused when he asked why.
But it didn’t necessarily stop his hands from persistently rising.
How thick-headed can he get? Just because you’re singing I-love-you’s in the midst of eager kisses doesn’t give him the consent to do this!
I was confused of my feelings all over again.
“Just...don’t,” I said again as I turned my head away and bit my lower lip, suddenly feeling embarrassed to accept something this new.
No, I didn’t want it at all, not here, not now.
I was about to cover myself with my arms when he distracted me with a fierce kiss that melted my rationality completely.
He insisted with his ministrations, and in my fear I hadn’t been able to move for awhile.
“Just try to see if you like it,” he said in a thick voice when he managed to speak again.
Would you hold on to it?
Biting my lower lip until it almost bruised, I cringed and shivered at the feel of his hands.
He urged me to rise in another kiss again, his tongue darting shrewdly in the warm cavern of my mouth and making wild patterns that utterly seized my concentration.
I surrendered ultimately, losing control of my precious sanity for the umpteenth time.
This is madness! Just yesterday morning you were platonic friends.
“How do you find it now?” He suddenly asked in a quiet undertone.
My mind seemed to be filled of a lot of haze that I wasn’t able to answer right away.
Stimulating.
“Really?”
You have just successfully said your thoughts aloud.
But this wasn’t right at all. Not here, not now—
“Yes,” I murmured densely anyway, trying to swallow that lump that uncomfortably formed in my throat.
He wasn’t able to react at once when I imprisoned his lower lip between my lips, biting tentatively before punishing him further by capturing his tongue with my teeth.
A groan escaped from him, a protest to my feral action.
It must have been enough distraction that he dropped his hands and kissed me back without fumbling.
I lost my concentration and my mind yet again amidst compulsive kisses and slight movements.
The sun veiled itself in the ginger-toned clouds that were beginning to form in the skies again, its warmth lingering in the expanse.
I could almost feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes when we broke off the kiss, remembering that this dream was soon ending and fast vanishing in the blur that I was seeing before me. But this unusual dream was something that I would surely never forget, and wouldn’t want to forget.
His face was even when he spoke again of the things he needed to do, congenially saying that he had no choice but to cancel everything that he planned to do after this.
I wanted to think that he was saying this because he wanted to be with me. But that small voice in my mind told me that I was just imagining it. He had spent too much time with me already.
He hadn’t noticed the distant look in my eyes when I looked his way again with the bright and blinding fluorescents of the mall that consumed everything, including myself.
I hadn’t allowed him to see the emptiness anyway as I easily faked a smile and provided a nonchalant answer to his latest question. There certainly would be things like my thoughts that he would never know.
I wanted to interrupt him in his careful absorption and loud deliberations of what to purchase and just tell him again that I didn’t want him to go back to that place. But I found myself tensely tailing him, watching him and still giving him responses to his animated questions almost halfheartedly. I most probably have already lost myself in the sea of people if he hadn’t called my name.
“Ken-chan, over here!”
What is the matter with you?
I began skipping behind him to distract myself from these thoughts, focusing on the pasty marble underneath my feet.
Was I ready to let him go again?
I still didn’t know the answer to this even when I realized he was now driving us uptown. The scenes easily transformed to one of remoteness.
All I could hear was his serene voice as he spoke about his last meeting with Jen. I noted how the words fell from his mouth, careful and careless at the same time.
He sounded like he was suddenly entranced in his own narration as he fixed his gaze ahead on the rather deserted highway that twisted almost endlessly in the darkness.
I wondered if he remembered I was sitting beside him.
Or it’s just you again, making it all seem unreal. You are the only one here whose thoughts are detached.
Maybe it was really me again.
Right then it was all I ever wanted to concentrate on, his low and soothing voice that echoed in my mind.
He said he wanted me to know that they were friends again.
I found myself nodding absentmindedly at this.
And did he just say that there is no chance for them to get back again?
I looked out the window to realize that there weren’t any stars that could mock me of these thoughts. There wasn’t even a moon in sight.
Yes, he just did.
And he just searched my hand that had fallen limp on my side before he held it.
How can you be so insecure at this moment? How can you still be when he is holding your hand like this?
I blinked the tears that threatened to fall and chose to look away, to the parking lot around the curb.
How many minutes did we have left? Less than sixty minutes?
What are you going to say? What are you going to do?
I still didn’t know.
We were laughing to ourselves when we stepped in the mall and when we found out how caked with mud our shoes were.
Thankfully, we stuck with a relaxed conversation after that as we headed straight to the groceries.
With the crowd of busy shoppers ahead my mind was once again stirred to things that I shouldn’t be thinking right now.
What are you to him? Someone just close enough to share a kiss with?
I had no right to even think of that right now. Not when everything was alright, not when he would be leaving. I was not going to ask more of this because I knew that he didn’t need it right now.
So still just friends?
He was a friend that I had chosen and decided to love.
“It could’ve been Deana here with you tonight. But, no, it’s me you’re with right now. Do you even know why we’re friends?” I blurted the question too suddenly that I hadn’t realized I was even thinking it.
He looked up from the shopping cart to glance at his side where I had stood near.
“Of all the people to be close to each other, have you ever asked yourself why it’s you and me?”
I stared at the passing old couple instead of looking up to his face and expecting for an answer. Fortunately, I hadn’t said my previous thoughts aloud again.
“Hmmm...I’ve asked myself that once or twice maybe,” he said.
“Really?”
The second row of foodstuff in front of us stretched far in my perspective. The items were so neatly piled and organized that I fought the urge to disarrange them just so I could do something.
“Yeah,” he asserted, studying an article in his hands with careful consequence.
It took him a long while to answer me as he busied himself with his task.
“I think we’re simply together because we can let go just as easily.”
It was an unconscious act that I had stopped short on my tracks, watching him make that turn to the next row.
But I didn’t know why I wasn’t even surprised with his answer. It was as if I knew all along what he would say. This was probably something that I believed in myself anyway. We could easily let go if the circumstance asked for us to let go.
But you are not going to let go, are you? You are happy enough to just watch him.
I was skipping once more to shake off these thoughts away from my head.
Again, I decided that I wasn’t going to think of those things while he was smiling beguilingly in my direction, his face bright and peaceful in intense illumination of the mall.
I walked to where he was currently standing a couple of minutes later.
He seemed like he didn’t mind waiting in this long line despite the fact that he was rather in a hurry.
There was that strange feeling again. Right at that moment I was torn between feeling utterly miserable and contented with this arrangement and this finite moment with him.
“Are you alright?”
I blinked too fast that my lids almost fluttered. He didn’t even know what he was asking me.
No.
“Yeah. Sure,” I replied easily, clinging on to his other paper bag in my hands.
Maybe tomorrow.
I effortlessly grinned again before I averted my stare the other way.
There was something in those oriental eyes of his that could tell that I was lying.
My gaze had suddenly blurred despite my glasses.
It wasn’t long before we were back in the muddy parking lot, skipping again to drier spots until we reached his car, and kissing each other senseless in the dark.
I wasn’t able to help myself this time that I held his face as if it were some lifeline, memorizing how his lips touched mine and how his warm breath fanned my face for a moment.
That sharp exhale reached my ears and I started to shudder to myself. I had merely forgotten everything that had transpired in the mall a while ago, and I didn’t want to remember anything at all.
The searing kiss descended to one of languid gentleness.
I hadn’t made any protest when he slid his hand to my waist and drew me nearer to him. It made me tremble slightly but the action was so comforting that I had simply melted in his hold.
I was already terribly missing him.
I love you, I wanted to say, please don’t let go. Though I only got as far as an embrace and a quiet sob in this darkness that swallowed everything including his form and mine.
How I wanted to hear him say those same words to me and to believe him this time. However, he could only enclose his arms around me, holding me for a little longer, understanding that there wasn’t enough time left for us now.
His scent was already etched in my mind, and I insisted in drowning myself in it until it’s the only thing that’s left in my memory.
No regrets, no regrets...
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
I never wanted to move from his hold but I found myself saying the first words to break this dream off.
“You need to be home now,” I mumbled to him, watching the luminous digits of that clock turn past 8PM.
He said a soft reply as he turned the engine on.
I turned my stare to the dark skies outside the window.
There was still no moon in sight, and there was nothing that could comfort me of this misery and goodbye.
I hadn’t started crying but I hadn’t made any significant reaction as well.
“Why are you suddenly so quiet, Ken-chan?”
I pretended to appear surprised of his question as I looked to his face. I realized I couldn’t quite see his gentle eyes in this shadow.
“Am I?”
It was all I could say to him as my words stuck in my mind.
I love you. But I’m not going to ask you to stay for me. Because that is not what you need right now.
I fell silent again only this time I was staring ahead, watching the mahoganies that trailed along the empty freeway. They had grown seven months older.
“Hey, say something.” His voice was softer this time as he said the words.
“What do you want me to say?” I didn’t mean to answer that way but it was the only words that prevented my tears from completely overflowing at that moment.
“Anything...just anything.”
I smiled despite these confused emotions.
I will be alright...tomorrow.
But he never heard me say it out loud.
[october 1, 2005]
