Certainly there was something unspeakably frightening about sitting here with him, in the passenger seat when the car was not even moving and the late afternoon sun was misplaced in the dark clouds that had quietly materialized from the horizon.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Today had been a normal day, and I hadn’t been particularly concerned of what would happen until now.
Time, it seemed, stretched unbearably between us just like this stiff silence.
Funny that I seriously wished to be here again, in this same spot, some seven months ago. And now, while I was sitting right across him I thought I couldn’t even stop fidgeting anxiously while wishing for the ground to swallow me whole already.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
So I was overreacting, but then again I couldn’t help but feel this way.
The university uniform I was wearing was becoming more and more uncomfortable much to my chagrin, and the fact that all the windows of this car were still rolled up only added to the tension that was slowly and excruciatingly building.
I made a useless attempt to stop myself from moving too much.
“Tell me why I must succumb to this plan of yours again,” I said for probably the umpteenth time after that long pause, smiling awkwardly anyway as I tried to look really casual about it.
There was almost a smirk on his face that I terribly wanted to wipe off.
If only I could.
“Because you promised that you would,” he answered, stressing certain words as his smirk grew.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
I scowled again but this time I’ve lost count of how many glares I was sending his way that didn’t even have a slight effect on him.
The air was suddenly too warm in his car, strangling and demanding.
“And if I don’t hold that promise now? I don’t even know what my punishment is!”
His playful expression easily transformed to one of seriousness. I recognized it as one of a Cheshire cat’s expression.
“Because you love me.”
Pftt...and now he pulls that line on you. You can’t seriously buy this one.
I hissed inwardly as I realized that the words he just said were anyway true.
How novel.
Oh, this traitorous mind of mine, when would you cease mocking me?
What he said must really be valid as I was already here in front of him, my knuckles precisely drawn closer to his lips.
I instinctively moved a little too further away. The door on my side almost touched my back at that. Nervousness was apparent in my every movement.
Things never really changed after all these months. I figured this when I still refused to be punished already.
But, of course, then was much different from now. Wasn’t I supposed to be braver now than I was some few months ago?
Ah, the punishment...do you even know what it is?
I watched how his smile returned to his face, those unreadable oriental eyes gazing on my confused ones.
“Just close your eyes, sit still and don’t move...”
What sort of things one could do to me that involve all these?
Oh, there are lots, of course. One of them should involve a kiss. Wasn’t that the original deal from last year? Seven kisses for saying such foul words?
Eight, and they weren’t even foul.
And you remember too well.
“Are you afraid of what I will do?”
A strange glint passed his eyes for a split second.
“Is that even a question?”
I could swear my voice sounded incredibly small at this.
The only answer I received was a grin that I couldn’t even read.
He turned to the clock in his car again and announced that I owed him ten of that “punishment” already, and that I really shouldn’t be wasting so much time.
Just so I would claim the sentence sooner he had thought of this ridiculous scheme of incrementing it if I allowed time to carelessly pass by. He knew quite well I would be stalling.
He is too clever for you. You know all along there is no point in doing this.
Those oriental eyes effortlessly shifted in the last ten seconds.
Maybe, just maybe something much acceptable would come out of this delay.
Whatever.
There went my precious self-esteem, tucked away by my own condescending mind.
“Come on, Ken-chan, just close those eyes already,” he pressed on rather too enthusiastically for my taste, mischief dripping in his voice, making me doubt even more if I could ever come out of this whole thing alive.
If it should be something that he would enjoy, it would mean the end of me.
My sanity should be spared of this mental torture, but he was being stubborn again, refusing to give away the name of this punishment.
The clouds outside occupied the skies completely, dimming the heavens absolutely.
“It’s a surprise. And anyway it won’t hurt you,” he went on, reading my mind. “Or I think it won’t hurt you. And, no, it won’t be the end of you.”
I never liked surprises that much.
Heaving another sigh, I envied Deana, Kevin and Jared who were off somewhere in the mall because they’ve been easily bribed by him.
My eyes trailed on the edifice that stood beside the parking lot. The building looked truly appealing with its furious, multicolored lights in its exterior.
I wondered for a moment if those guys had any idea about what was happening here.
Kevin, most likely. Jared? Maybe. But Deana? ‘Seriously doubt it.
He really must’ve seriously planned everything ahead of time. Everything and everybody were his allies.
We’ve been in this crammed, crude parking lot for the last forty-five minutes, and my penalty was incremented by one.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
When did breathing become such an agonizing task?
I tried to open the door but the lock prevented me my exit.
There was that smirk on his face again.
Why was I here again?
Somehow the answer to that was lost to me again, and I almost asked him that again, too.
How inviting the gentle wind that swayed the branches of the young tree outside seemed from where I was sitting, the leaves dancing in the song of the breeze.
“Come closer to me, Ken-chan. You’re too far away.”
Helpless and defeated, I allowed him to draw me nearer to him.
Why so confused? Haven’t you figured it out that you’re here because you want to be with him?
“I missed you.”
His voice was deeper when he uttered those words.
It caught me off guard as it was almost a random statement from him.
“I really missed you.”
And those obsidian eyes appeared dazedly sincere as I stared at them, expression torn between nostalgia and emptiness.
His embrace was something that I could drown in for forever, that familiar scent of him filling my mind. But when he let go after a few seconds, I was suddenly lost again.
“I missed you, too, you know,” I managed to say, distracted with the fading smile on his lips.
You can’t already be lonely when he hasn’t even left yet.
My eyes fell on our connected hands just as the first sign of dusk appeared in the horizon and as shadows began to form.
Familiar emotions of longing and distress resurfaced as I recalled the memory of seven months ago. It had suddenly felt like it had only been yesterday.
“We should end this quick, Ken-chan. It’s getting late,” he said, breaking my concentration with his teasing tone again.
I almost groaned in frustration once more.
“Just put your hand over your eyes and face me. It’s not that hard, really!”
Easy for him to say.
“Ken-chan, please...”
You know you can’t refuse him.
I narrowed my eyes at him, skeptical for the last time.
Another overpowered sigh escaped my lips.
“I don’t know why I’m doing this, but to get this over with...”
I really must’ve said that more than once that the words fell out easily from my mouth.
It was just the best time for anyone to rescue me from this ordeal.
The car seat I’ve been sitting on was suddenly too stiff as if it was hardwood beneath me instead of this pristine and expensive upholstery. The tension that hung inside the car reached its peak that it had become unbearable.
This is it. The moment has come!
Oh, would I ever come out of this alive?
You’re overreacting, you know. His face is only getting closer to your face, and you can even see that in the gap of your hand.
This shouldn’t be like this!
And there went the very painful moment of anticipation. That light half-kiss came and stole my voice for a good five seconds of my life.
Just then I realized I had been holding my breath all this time.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
All sound fell mute, and I couldn’t hear anything but the deafening pounding of blood in my ears along with the strange reverberation of a clock.
I remembered forming words that didn’t have any meaning. But questions were clear as they flooded my mind.
What did just happen?
My eyes must’ve widened significantly, too.
Shocked?
Shocked, and confused. He didn’t have to kiss me. It was unnecessary!
My hands were shaking when I brought them on my burning ears. It was hard to believe that something like it happened here, today, with the supposedly playful deal from last year.
With a careful thumb he brushed that side of my lips where his kiss touched. That unreadable look on his clear face bewildered me all the more.
“I—I really think we sh-should find Kevin and the others now,” I stammered as I hurriedly turned away and managed to unlock the door despite my shaking hands.
I couldn’t look up to his face this time.
The crisp uniform seemed to choke me finally along with this feeling of utter confusion and betrayal.
This really shouldn’t have happened at all.
The calm breeze outside that I had wanted to feel against my warm skin felt too cruelly cold after all.
“What have you been doing last night that really exhausted you?”
Deana didn’t even care to look up from her monitor when she asked me this.
Those droopy eyes of hers were carefully and persistently trained on the moving figures of the sentinels and scourge of this game that she was involved in. Looking up to me even for two seconds would mean death to her—at least in the context of this game.
“Our senior paper,” I said rather flatly, lying to my teeth.
I couldn’t even turn to her side as I mumbled the words. Maybe because I was already curiously blushing without reason.
“Oh?” Her tone was unbelieving anyway as she knew I was too much of a procrastinator to do such thing. Fortunately, she hadn’t noticed my clear restlessness.
In all honesty I was up until past 2 o’clock in the morning—
Because you couldn’t sleep, and you couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened. Riiiiight?
—because of that conversation with him.
I shifted on my seat for the fifth time, and still found my position uncomfortable.
Today was suddenly filled with too many unusual things.
Like it was unusual to have an endless string of worries that went my way despite my trusty gym class uniform. But I was actually only worried of one thing, and that would be—
How this glorious Friday would turn out. Geez, you’re overreacting again.
“What a storm! I didn’t expect this,” I heard Shirley announce to no one in particular when she unceremoniously plopped on the empty seat beside me and while I just resolved to stand up.
“Hey, you’re leaving?”
“Errr...yeah. I’ve had too much radiation today, and walking under that storm you’re talking about sounds like the grandest idea,” I monotonously replied despite the words of reaction, anyway implying gravely of suicide while lethargically slinging my satchel on my shoulder.
“Seriously?” Despite her dubious eyes, she was broadly grinning, reminding me of a certain face that I was all too used of exploiting.
I turned to where Deana was sitting and decided that she was too busy with her game to be bothered.
“Yeah.” There came another dull answer and a sloppy shrug. I pushed the door open and made my way out without so much of a last glance behind me.
Everybody was just too busy to be concerned if I had left the room already.
I somehow knew today was going to be a long day, and I couldn’t even remember what I had been doing in the last eight hours.
You’ve been brooding.
No, I wasn’t even brooding. I was almost distracted, staring off to space as if I was seeing something there.
It had been seventeen minutes past four in the afternoon when I last looked up to the clock.
And you’re meeting him in ten minutes. Isn’t that happy?
I promised last night after that long talk that I would be open-minded about things. I was touched of how considerate he was with my bizarre reaction. But he almost thought of not seeing me today because of it. What he had done was rather precarious, and our friendship could’ve fallen apart if I had been stubbornly narrow-minded until the end.
This time he’s going to go for the real thing. How are you going to react now?
Since I was too familiar of the walk to my destination, I let my mind wander off again.
I wondered if it was indeed alright for friends to kiss friends that way. Showing affection was anyway something relative. But did it have to be this way, the display of it this—
Provocative? Challenging would be a good word for it, don’t you think?
The rain poured on endlessly, slightly saturating my hair and clothes and utterly drenching the towering trees and buildings nearby. The skies were darker this time, gloomy now that I was feeling this way, confused and lost still.
Didn’t you say you understood why he is doing this?
Of course. Of course, I understood. I wouldn’t be here, standing under this large umbrella outside these gates where the rain stubbornly kept on pouring if I didn’t understand, right?
Sometimes I would think if I knew what I was doing, or why I was doing this.
You will do anything for him. And you’re never like this to anyone. Perhaps, because you love him.
Was this love really? Or it’s just fleeting obsession mistaken as love?
I lightly tapped my sneakers on the wet pavement, waiting patiently for his car to appear on the other side of the road as I contemplated a little more.
You know how these things are different.
Did I really?
The rain had formed murky puddles on the uneven street. I watched how these several shallow pools anyway made people skip when they came across them.
You doubt about yourself now? Shouldn’t you be worried of other things? Come on. You know this is love ever since he’s moved away. Probably way before that, too.
I figured after arguing with my mind that perhaps it was time that I showed him.
It had been about time the moment he was back. You have realized too late.
With an open hand I caught heavy rain drops as if I was fascinated by them. They had appeared to resemble rather plump drops of tears.
If only you could open your mind like this, things would’ve been alright.
Suddenly, a strong burst of wind flailed the frail fabric of the umbrella above me, but its force hadn’t been enough to completely topple off the foundation of it.
Oddly enough, the tempest started to pacify.
I would like to imagine that the skies were weeping with me because he would be leaving again tomorrow, but I decided that I was alone with this feeling when the rain was about to cease and his car stopped at the sight of me.
I wondered if it was just me thinking too much, or things were really just starting to get complicated.
He made a small sound that could be mistaken as purring.
“You’ve made Kevin and Jared go away again. They’ll surely drain your money just by playing all the games in the arcade. And they wouldn’t even think twice about it.”
He made another sound but this time it sounded like an amused snort.
Surely he recognized this talk as something to distract us again. I was so convinced that I was almost close to making myself forget that I was here again, anxious and unsure of what exactly to expect.
I wondered if I would always be confused just by being near him.
“You know that I really don’t care,” he replied almost sleepily as he carefully set his head on my shoulder even with the awkward position he was in.
He’ll surely get a sore back for all the things you’re making him do.
I was aware of how dangerously close our faces were but I resolved not to think about it too much for now. We were too contented of this peace even for a moment, and staying this close left a pool of warmth in me.
“You understand why I’m doing this, Ken-chan?”
It really didn’t seem a question when he drawled out the words, and I let his speech drill into my head for a good few seconds.
Why, certainly. Or you wouldn’t be too nervous to be alone with him, mind lost somewhere out there when it should be here, in this parking lot, in this car, in this seat, in this body.
Trust my mind to be the most sarcastic thing in the whole wide world.
I figured that the storm was completely gone even though the dark clouds that roamed the skies suggested of heavy precipitation. But something was brewing in me anyway, and I wasn’t sure what was causing it.
He was different, this I knew for he never cared too much of what people think. But sometimes I would think he was too different that I couldn’t catch up, and, perhaps despite of it all, couldn’t understand.
I probably missed a thing or two here, I wasn’t sure.
“I never thought you’d understand so quickly.”
I almost disagreed. I never really understood until now, until I was reminded that he was somewhat unconventional. And this was his way of showing affection.
You’ve just been too unfeeling for too long, you know.
In a slight movement, he arranged himself to face me, reaching out for my inactive hand on my left and lacing his fingers with my own.
“I love you...and yet I don’t know why I do,” he almost murmured, expression transforming slightly to something unreadable.
That laugh was roughly bitter in my ears when I released it.
Love was a strange word. And the first time he said that he loved me sounded anyway surreal. How strange that I wasn’t at all surprised. But I figured it must have been that way because I couldn’t believe him. I didn’t want him to say these things just so he could match what I was saying.
“Tell me...do you know why you love me?”
Those piercing oriental eyes seized my own, and I was held captive in them.
“No,” I said in a humorless, tired voice.
It was an honest answer, and I hated myself for not having the answer to his question. Because I was sure I knew it but just—
Forgot? Is that even possible?
I knew I loved him but I just didn’t know why. Reason was lost to me. And lately, I’ve lost many things.
The conversation was nearly laid-back in spite of the subject. He was the only one I knew who could speak calmly about things like this.
But then again you aren’t close to many people.
I couldn’t help but sigh again.
Dusk finally broke and everything fell dark. Somehow I had the feeling that I had been in a déjà vu but I couldn’t quite remember the memory of this whole situation.
There was no moon tonight.
“I’m fine with us not knowing for now,” he pressed on, and I couldn’t agree more though something in me was telling me I would’ve wanted to know.
I nodded almost to myself, and my shadow nodded along with me.
“Come closer to me, Ken-chan.”
There was that smooth drawl of his speech again. It had been peculiarly hypnotic.
I let him draw me nearer to his body until he could hold me close.
His heady scent intoxicated me for a moment but I was growing nervous again as I realized what was impending.
He must’ve felt how fast my heart was beating, or how unusually warm I was suddenly.
It was inevitable now. Escaping from it was an implausible thought.
Are you finally going to give in? Will you say now: screw consequences if there will be any? There really is no turning back.
I couldn’t stop shuddering even when his mouth was only lazily tracing one or two sides of my mouth. I almost panicked when he finally pressed his lips on my own, making me inaudibly gasp, my breath caught up in my throat.
Don’t you trust him?
I did. I probably just didn’t trust myself.
It wasn’t nearly as good as I had imagined it would be. Because it was actually startlingly wonderful, despite my obvious trembling.
I was infinitely vulnerable in his hands, and I could shatter in a million pieces if he roughly insisted.
With eyes closed, I finally let myself drown in the heat of the moment, leaning closer. I knew I was just too warm to be just blushing on the face. I must’ve flushed too much anyway, and I imagined how much blood had rushed to my head then.
I was surely lost. There was nothing else but him and me.
I fought the urge to make a sound when his teasing tongue languidly stroke the outline of my lips before it pried them open.
I wasn’t sure what exactly was happening but instincts took over and I was kissing him back, my mind already reeling severely.
It must’ve been amazing that I lost coherent logic, if I had any, and I couldn’t even open my eyes when the kiss ended.
If I sighed inwardly or openly I couldn’t tell now.
Wow. Did that really happen? The heat in this car hasn’t left at all.
There were many things that crossed my mind. One of them was the undeniable fear of change that would come out of this. Perhaps there were many things that I would still fail to understand. But after a moment my concern was lost along with the other thoughts.
I must be mad for grinning this way despite the horrible blush on my ears. I almost hit him on his arm when he laughed about how childishly I reacted right after all this.
“I’m sorry. I’m a lousy kisser,” I managed to say as casualness returned, thankful that it was almost completely dark now and he couldn’t see how red my face was. I was suddenly sorely embarrassed of my inability to kiss.
“You’re alright.”
Alright isn’t enough, you know. Alright could be a subtle way of saying “you're actually really lousy".
I refused to sulk at my mind. There were a lot of things that it could say to my already bruised ego.
Those goading lips must’ve curved upward even if I couldn’t quite see them.
He deftly reached out and tenderly caressed one side of my warm face before he traced my lips again with a gentle finger.
“I’ve always wondered what it would be like to kiss these,” he said, voice falling dangerously to an octave lower. He almost sounded as if he was caught in a dream.
I couldn’t trust my voice to say anything logical as I remained mute.
“And I’ve been right about them now,” he went on, still strangely pensive.
Lookie here. He had wondered about such things. Aren’t you flattered?
Surprised was the most appropriate word to call it. I could only laugh timidly as I couldn’t quite tell where to place my opinion of it.
“I might not see you tomorrow,” he suddenly informed me. The tone of his voice changed to one of melancholy but his face in the reflected light of a nearby car looked rather impassive.
I inwardly winced at his words.
“I know. You’re leaving.” My voice dropped bleakly along with my spirits.
He carefully shook his head before he got hold of a lock of my longer hair.
“I actually canceled the flight for tomorrow,” he disagreed quietly, distractedly toying with that loose strand in his fingers. “Even so, I could be very busy to see you.”
I understood of things like this. I always did.
“It’s alright,” I said anyway, taking a futile effort at cheerfulness.
Is it really? You sound rather pained and broken.
I was immensely relieved for the most part of it, and I was smiling anyway. Was the smile for my sake or his, I couldn’t tell.
“Ken-chan...”
“But I would want to see you...even for the last time.”
Wishing had always been free. And I wouldn’t intend to hesitate now.
He purposely missed kissing me full on the lips again.
“You probably would still see me,” he murmured as if he was granting that wish.
I reflectively sighed again.
How much time have you got left? Will you start to panic again? What will you do this time? Can you still afford to be confused about a lot of things?
Would I still be hurt?
“I love you.”
Right at that moment I wished I could see those soft obsidian oriental eyes of his even in the dark. The temporary light from a while ago had vanished just when I needed it.
I had daringly lifted my hand to feel his warm face.
“I love you,” I told him as if he hadn’t said it first, almost firmly, letting him know I was serious about it and not just because of the kiss or this moment.
There was no way to tell if he felt the weight of the words, but I was anyway contented of my own declaration—even if I couldn’t easily believe his own.
In the shadows, a sad smile graced my face.
“Kiss me,” he whispered softly in my ear, eliciting a shiver from me.
The newfound boldness was overwhelming that my head was spinning again, coherence lost in this welcomed darkness and in this warm night.
And the careful kiss fell on his lips.
[september 29 - september 30, 2005]
