Yes. I told you I needed to tell you something. You hadn't persuaded me enough to say it this evening, but it's not really your fault.
I was supposed to vocally tell you that I love you, in your face, while I would still be able to see your reaction after I would've said it. But, no. I chickened out on the very last minute, pretending I was dozing off, playing apathetic and uninterested. But, of course, I was actually afraid of whatever your reaction would be, unnerved of the possibility that you'd not say it back, because we know for a fact that you don't anymore, and haven't said it in the last 12 months. I know, because I remember when the last time had been (I'm cursed of almost always remembering things like these). And, you told me you only say it when you mean it.
Now I hadn't done what I had originally planned, even after making speeches on paper towels at work. I almost killed myself in doing so, because, as much as I hate to admit, it hurts having to say I love you and not knowing what your response would be. It's like my chest would explode anytime and I'm so confused I almost missed my point again, and I had to write a new speech that hopefully wouldn't sound too selfish and demanding and desperate. I must've overwhelmed myself again. That or I have become guilty because I had almost given up on you for reasons I had chosen to forget. But I love you, very much, and just waited even if I wanted to stop.
Now I know why I'd always, ALWAYS feel so nervous when you'd ask to see me. Because I don't know how I should act around you anymore, even after we've hung around together for a hundred times, being too comfortable on some rare occassions. I'm not simply being silly. I am so confused about what exactly I am to you. I guess--no, actually, I know that I'd rather be ignorant of things just for them to stay the same, maintaining the balance of everything than hear it from you. But, aren't you getting tired of it? Because I am. It's like I'm playing around with you, waiting for too long for something that wouldn't happen, confusing myself with directions, losing the point, forgetting your reasons why we are stuck here, why we should be just stuck here. I am really, really sorry. Did I confuse you? I confused myself more by asking too many questions. But maybe I wanted to finally risk knowing about things now even if it will just hurt me more by hearing the truth. I wanted to say all these a few hours ago but I am not the one to relate such without hiccoughing all the way through my speech, choking badly because of the tears that'd reached my throat. I think I am getting better at keeping my miserable emotions at bay, even when you gently urge me to look at your face.
haaaay...
You know, I just realized lately, thinking about the past few weeks, about the reason why I wanted to stay near you. Seeing your face and that smile, I feel like I've come home. You hold my memories of the last five years, you see. I've carefully written of reflections, chronicled situations and experiences like as if I'm too scared of losing my memories to time. I hadn't even thanked you for all the things you've done, for what you've taught me, for the influence, for the impression that you've left in my life. Thank you so much for everything. I wouldn't regret anything but I just wish I had a clearer idea of some things.
When you read this it'd be Monday, and I wouldn't be around because I'd be hiding (which is what I'm only good at), and you'd say sorry. Again. Because that's what you said the last time and I couldn't quite get what you're really apologizing for. We're in this together and you pretty much know what we are getting ourselves into, so why apologize? I'd appreciate answers better, you know. Another sorry would just hurt me more than you'd ever know.
But know that I still love you, possibly still in love with you, too (because they are actually 2 different things in my opinion). I hope I'm still alive by the time I send this because my heart is about to shrink. It must be just the restlessness.
Take care. I wish I had been braver. But then that was what I'd wish for the last time and I haven't really changed much.
Love,
Candy
